Two cultural
and consumer appliance phenomena recently caught my attention. One is a stove design feature that
helps orthodox Jews subvert the obvious intent of the Talmud. And one is the newish phenomenon of
kids lighting up concert arenas with their cell phones. In their own ways, both of these
developments are, at their core, just a little pathetic.
Leslie and I
got a new stove last week. A
serious one. Not some bush league
thing. It’s as big as a small car
and cost almost as much. Ten
trillion BTUs. It can boil water
in 30 seconds. It can do things I
can’t even mention in writing. But
my favorite feature of all - the icing on the Thermador cake - is the “Access
Phase” oven setting. When the oven
is in Access Phase mode, it turns itself on, then powers down for three minute intervals,
then turns itself back on. The purpose
of this “unique cooking mode” is to “allow the Sabbath user access to the oven
without effecting a change in the operation of the range.” And the reason a person would want to
use an oven without “effecting a change in its operation” is because “effecting
a change in operation” is considered “work” under orthodox interpretation of
the Talmud, and work on the Sabbath is prohibited. The idea of being religious enough to think that God cares
about the utter technical minutiae of your cooking habits while, at the same
time, going so far out of your way to comply with what we lawyers like to call
the “letter if not the spirit of the law” just blows me away. Jews have no monopoly on coming up with
creative ways to do whatever they want in violation of the clear intent of
religious doctrines. There are so
many examples that I’m not even going to give more examples.
If there is a
God who keeps tabs on each of us, I have to wonder which is better: questioning
whether God exists / not believing in God at all, and cooking your food
whenever you feel like eating; or believing in God, reading His supposed rules
about how He wants you to conduct your life, and then flagrantly violating
them. If you’re in the first
group, and it turns out you’re wrong, and you meet God on judgment day, it
seems plausible that he might nonetheless engage you in a little philosophical
dialogue and consider your reasons for feeling the way you do. But if you’re in the second group and
you meet God, do you really think He would say “Wow, you’re right. You sure got me. I guess I should have drafted that
provision more clearly.” Or would
He be more likely to say “What am I, a total fucking idiot? You think I couldn’t see you doing
exactly what I said you shouldn’t do?
Thought you’d get off on a technicality, Mr. First Year Law Student? The ol' ‘you
told me to stop punching my little sister but you never said I couldn’t stab
her in the eye with a pencil!’
Insult my intelligence.
Sorry asshole. Hope you
brought your flip-flops; I hear it’s pretty warm in HELL!”
Similar to
subverting the will of the almighty via pricey stove is the issue of pot
smoking at shows.
One of the most
disappointing developments of the past generation is the replacement, at rock
concerts, of lighters with cell phones.
In the quaint old days of yore, there would always come a time at a show
when the people in the crowd would take a break from their pot smoking, raise
their lit lighters, engage their fellow travelers in a moment of solidarity
and, by illuminating the sky with a warm glow, bestow upon the band a humble
demonstration of love and appreciation.
Now they use cell phones. As a technical matter, the light from a lighter is much mellower
than the light from a cell phone.
It’s the difference between a glowing candle and a bank of fluorescent
lights glaring down on a cubicle farm.
But the more profound issue is one of living in the moment (with maybe a
little help from your lighter) versus simply serving as a conduit for posting an
experience on the Internet (thanks to your cell phone).
Drugs are not a
good thing. At the end of the day,
what with all the gang violence, addiction, depression, homelessness, and
general degeneration into a drooling, lifeless puddle, it’s probably best to
gravitate toward the straight and narrow.
But a little pot smoking at a show? If nothing else, it does (I’m told) tend to make people
focus and, you know, pay attention to the tunes. A cell phone - or more
accurately, a personal broadcasting device that happens to have a phone
attached - does the opposite. It
lets you transmit everything you’re doing real-time, a side effect of which is
the inability to genuinely experience anything. It’s ironic.
The more Facebook (or whatever newfangled app those youngsters today are
using) updates you have showing fantastic-looking experiences your body has
been present at, the fewer of those “experiences” you’re actually
experiencing.
I’ve read
about a surprising trend in colleges - less drug and alcohol use based on a
fear of video exposure. Parents,
administrators and expensive ad campaigns have been perennially useless in
getting college kids to stop partying like college kids. But the idea that any bender could
easily end up on-line and stay with you literally for the rest of your life is
apparently a real deterrent to kids’ toking themselves into oblivion.
The trend away
from living in the moment will be a tough one to counteract. A concerted effort will have to be
made. Perhaps we’ll need a new
parent group like MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving). Maybe MAESS - Mothers Against Excessive
Show Sobriety. The idea would be
to create a safe show environment for kids where they can briefly escape the
all-encompassing gaze of the Internet and the now almost hard-wired need to
broadcast every moment of life.
Everyone gets patted down at the gate. Cell phones get confiscated and everyone is given a lighter
and a small amount of weed. It
would take some adjusting, but maybe, just maybe, for a few hours, kids would
re-learn the art of being present, enjoying the presence of people near them
and being blown away by some burning, wicked 35 minute jam band riffs.
Technology can
enhance many facets of life. But an appliance is just a slave to its
master, a tool to further whatever the brain behind the operations sets out to
accomplish. We all have to answer
the same question Judge Smails posed to Danny Noonan – “do you stand for good
or do you stand for bad.” If your
general inclination is to stomp all over the teachings of the Lord or trade all
of life’s real experiences for a few morsels of cyber-fame, your stove and
phone will be there to help lead you down the path. Take control!
Fight for all that is just and good! Don’t let your appliances lead you unto misery and
destruction! (But whatever you end
up doing, send me a photo.)
